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| Wow it's been awhile.
Broke up with Christian, went like this:
Sunday afternoon I decided I'm going to talk to him about breaking up on Monday.
Sunday night he calls me after work and I can't not tell him, so we talk and leave the issue as "we'll talk about it more tomorrow[Monday]"
Monday after school we clearly break up, I ask if he has anything to say and he says no.
Somewhere within the next week I find out he's dating his best friend.
Somewhere since then I find out he's been dating her since that Sunday.
I've been super busy this summer with a bunch of stuff, I was at Lutherdale for 2 weeks, Heather came into town for a week, I was out of town in Virginia/DC for a week, and that's just the out-of-town-ish stuff that's been going on. This weekend is jam-packed for me with a ton of stuff, I have a job I need to do stuff for, and, to top it all off my health's acting up; I need to see a gastroenterologist because the bloodwork the GP did wasn't conclusive in finding out why I keep throwing up. It's getting worse, to begin with it was maybe twice one day within a two week period for about..6 weeks, then it was about two days a week, and now it's gotten to practically every day, twice today alone. Okay, maybe that's TMI, but at least I'm not going into detail on the vomit itself. I need to see Marybeth, I haven't seen her in over a month.
I feel like I'm going on back-up drive or whatever it's called...like I'm not really processing most things....
I have been having tons of fun though! The DYNA Chill was A-MAZING!! I really wish it lasted longer.
I think I'm going to end this here, I don't know who all even reads this thing anymore if anyone at all....
Want to give a shout-out to Marcie though, HI MARCIE!! 
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| I've slowly been talking about what's up...slowly letting things
out...I'm so fed up with all this frustrating and being hurt. I love
him, I really truly do, but he doesn't have the slightest idea or
inclination of how he feels or what he thinks about me or anything
anymore. I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I wrote him a
poem the other night and gave it to him yesterday after school. He said
jack shit. I went outside because I seriously couldn't breath (plus I
didn't want to cry there since other people were there). Maggie was
outside and I got a hug. She told me he was coming so I went a bit
further and sat on one of the benches. He came and just sat there too.
Not saying anything. I tried to talk and get him to talk too. But, and
this isn't surprising in the least, all he said basically was that he
honestly doesn't know what he thinks, what he feels, or what he wants
(even in regards to me), and that he was cold and that he was looking
at a red thing across Kensington. We were there for about an hour and
that's all he said. Well, he apologized a fair amount, but he doesn't
fricken do anything about it!! If you're sorry about something, try and
change or fix it or something! It's not just words. We may or may not
be seeing a movie on Friday, it's been so long since we've gone out,
heh. I got too fed up last night and just went to bed. I asked if we
were going or not, and he said it was up to me. Again with the
indecision. I know he's indecisive, so am I, but he's practically like
talking to a wall! Only thing is, I don't love walls...I love him.
I have a crapload of homework to do today and tomorrow is Wicked.
I also need to work on Save the Date stuff for Jean. She wants to have
them mailed out next weekend and I haven't touched the CD with the
pictures yet. I was also going to see Marybeth again today but I don't
have the time and I don't think we called her to save the appointment
anyway. I finally turned in this booklet for sociology that was due
weeks ago. And I have two projects for Humanities, the one was due
Thursday but I'm turning it in Monday (keep in mind I haven't started
it yet..) and then another that I need to haul ass on next weekend that
we just got assigned yesterday. And the birdcalls test was yesterday,
but I got an extension to take it on Monday so I need to listen to
those too. And I need to listen to the music cd for Humanities so that
when the time for the next test comes I have a better chance on it. I'm
not going to get into what happened with the last test for it other
than saying that my brain seriously stopped working and I got so
frustrated. My anxiety levels lately have been terrible.
Oh
yeah, have I mentioened that I'm off my Concerta and Focalin?? At the
same time I've started the Provigil and Welbutrin and am down on my
Zoloft (it hasn't been working and I've been on it practically forever
so I'm slowly getting off of it). Perfect timing to be changing the
chemicals in my body!!!
I need a break, I'm so sick and tired of just...everything.
When
I was with Christian yesterday, I saw Shachi waiting for the bus, and I
totally wanted to just run up to her to get one of her great hugs. She
gives some of the best hugs ever and she makes me feel so good about
myself and just..she's a great friend. Christian hardly hugs me, and
when he does, I pretty much have to ask. I need hugs. I've been talking
with Mrs. Reid and she was telling me how there's no doubt that I'm an
extrovert, in the sense that I need to bounce ideas and converse with
other people, I need to share and recieve. I don't get that from
Christian anymore. She asked me why it was I love him, not the stuff he
used to do or who he used to be, but in the present. I had a hard time
answering her. I do love him, I do I do. I just..I can't handle not
being loved back, like physically with hugs, and with conversation, not
just emotion..if that's even there...I honestly don't know, and neither
does he.
I'm so scared, but more than that, I'm tired and hurt and fed up.
Edit:
Was
just reminded of another thing stressing me, I have to fill out this
form for Staff in Training at Lutherdale in order to get in, it's
stressing me so much because I've been searching so much lately and
realizing things that I believe aren't neccessarily mainstream or what
I've been tought and just...I don't know if Lutherdale is a place for
me, that's part of why I so badly want to do the SIT because it'll help
me know if that is for me..it'll help me figure out what I believe me,
and it'll help me to relax and have fun and feel loved again. | | |
| So, as many of you know I just got back from a one-night Recharge event
at the amazing Luthedale!! I've talked about Lutherdale here and
there, but I've never really invited anyone to share going there wtih
me, even though I've been going since 7th grade, I feel guilty about
this. I guess part of why I haven't is because I haven't wanted to
impress religion on anyone, but this weekend I was thinking, how, at
home I feel there, and how relaxed and at peace I feel, how just plain
HAPPY I am when I am there. And how I want to share that with my
friends. So, if anyone is at all interested in info about Lutherdale,
just let me know! They are having a PREcharge in March for anyone who
is interested and wants to get a further look at what it's like before
going the full week. They are bringing back CIT-Counselor in Training
which is 2
weeks this summer that I want to apply for. That's how amazing this
place is. I don't know, but I remember since that summer after 8th
grade when I was there after everyone had left hanging out with the
AMAZING JENN C! and she was telling everyone I was a future counselor,
I've just never let go of that possibility. I admit I am hesitant in
this because of the possible negative reaction, but really, I don't
care, I'm sharing a great possibility with my friends. And it doesn't
matter what your beliefs are, you don't have to be Lutheran, you don't
have to be Christian, you don't have to believe in God to go (just keep
in mind it is a Bible camp so you will be experience being totally
surrounded by people who are just so happy and good and kind
and...wanting to share God's word and help and stuff) and yeah....It
is my personal belief that whatever one believes happens to them after
death, happens to them. This is contrary to Christian belief, but it
is a strong conlusion I have come to on my own, another strong
conclusion I have come to on my own is that it's okay to have beliefs
that differ from those of the group you identify yourself with if you
do identify yourself with a specific group, what's important is finding
peace with yourself and being able to say yes I am happy with how
everything is and I am content should something happen tomorrow, the
next hour, the next minute. Lutherdale has changed my life, and I shouldn't not at least make you aware of this. If you are interseted, their website is here and I have pictures in my photobucket here and here
from the past two years, and a picture from 2004 (so that's at least
one picture from all three years I've been in their Sr. High program, I
haven't found pictures from the two in their Jr. High program..) here.
The read only pass is dragons (the username star382000) and if you have
trouble getting to the specific links after signing in just click the
blue link that says Lutherdale at the main album page. I really hope
you at least check any part of this out, it's so amazing, and I really
want to share it with some of you. I'm posting this up elsewhere as
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